Some things for today, Jan 10

Something I did for myself:
The family went to Palm Springs for Christmas and mom just sent back the tab for each person or couple. I have always had my own line on the expense sheet. I am single so there is not anyone to share my expenses with. Seeing my name listed alone this year hit harder than before. I guess it is time to fine my partner. Shit...I knew this day would come eventually.

Something I did for my dog:
The cold weather makes it hard to spend enough time outside with the pooch. Luckily there was a short-term heat wave this morning so we spent some extra time playing in the yard.

Something I did for my home:
I fixed the fence out front so now it is doggy proof. I also shoveled twice. I will also take credit for cleaning the fish tank last night and switching out stand for my orange coffee table. My office is starting to come together.

Life's a Beach

Winters in Minnesota are brutal and not something to take lightly. Luckily, my friends are creative and willing to do anything to make the most of a situation...even winter. In January 2015, they hosted a cabin weekend in Merrill, WI. Other than spending time with college friends, the obvious highlight was a sleigh ride we took through snow covered trails in central Wisconsin. Retired Clydesdale horses pulled us along and everything felt right, even though it was only 15 degrees that day. It was amazing!

I fell in love with an idea during this trip and it is about to become a reality. This week, I am flying to Los Angeles to kickoff my biggest road trip yet. My journey will take me from the fabulous streets of West Hollywood, to the hills of San Francisco, through the Redwoods in Northern California, over to Eureka, CA, up to Eugene, OR and then to Portland, OR, where I will meet my sister and her family for a few days. I need the break and I am so excited.

In yoga class this week, our instructor took us on a visualization exercise and I believe it changed my perspective. We were lying down with our eyes closed and she brought us to a white, sandy beach. Completely alone with the mist from the ocean settling lightly on our nearly naked bodies. She then lifted us from ourselves and told us to look down, from above. "What do you see?" she asked. I did not have an answer. "Nothing", I guess. "You see someone with compassion, love, hope, accomplishments, sadness, loss, fear, and beauty", she continued. I choked up a bit.

Do you have those days where you think - what else could go wrong? Or, who else could I possibly bump into today that I once allowed to hurt me? Nauseating, right? Well, yesterday was one of those days for me. However, the yoga lesson inspired me to look at myself from above and ask myself, "What do you see?" I saw someone with a generous spirit, supportive friends, means to go and travel, love for life, and someone who really needs a break from the city I love most. Everything came together and I faced the day. Actually, I kicked its ass.

My life is beautiful. Sometimes it does not make any sense and sometimes events are so predictable I am uninspired. Whatever. I guess my point is that you do not get anything if you don't show up. You gotta play to win baby.

Let's play!
Gregg

The Trip is Over

In 2012, Justin and I went to France. We visited Paris and Bordeaux and it was one of the best experiences of my life. We laughed at the Louvre and got lost in Montmartre. We ate in vegetarian restaurants, I ate several sheep thyroid, and we placed a lock on the Pont des Arts bridge. Everything about the trip was special and created myriad memories that I will cherish forever.

Almost three years later, I finally realized the difference between the special connection we shared going into the trip and what we have today. The amount of love between us makes it difficult to talk about having a life beyond today. Each time I think I pass through the hardest part of this journey, life seems to extend the course. We were tricking each other and we were not honest, with ourselves or the other person. So now, much like going through drug withdrawal, we are in our own space and dealing with the pain of being apart.

The trip is over. And it hurts.

My Ears Are Warm

It's been 9 months since my last post. I left this space with a mission to focus on beauty. I gave myself some perspective and provided a few parameters, but clearly I did not have any idea how to hone in on this subjective focal point (or my life's Drishti).

What is beauty:

Inspiration: finding it, it finding you, and giving it to others
-if you seek superficial relationships, that is what you will find
Friendship: sometimes the gain, other times the loss
Family: power of feeling connected even though your thousands of miles apart
Change: "the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing"
Self love: when was the first time you said "i love you" to yourself? When was the last time?

Updates:
-Financials - I am still in debt but things are much better! I currently have $13,800 outstanding. Quick breakdown includes: $3,100 401K loan; $9,500 0% interest credit card loans; $700 reserve line balance; and $500 on my American Express card. The good news is things are getting better. They are not getting worse. And they are not staying the same.

-Fitness - I finally hit the weight room area at the gym last night. It has been a while since I went down there and it felt good to lift. I did a couple workouts and then went to yoga, where I was able to start a handstand from the crow position. This was a huge accomplishment and brought a smile to my face.

-Smoking - I unofficially quit on May 4th, which means I started chewing the stupid disgusting gum. It helps, but I think it also upsets my stomach and gives me diarrhea.

-Drinking - Feeling good about the cut backs I have made. Sometimes I have a couple too many but I think that's part of the fun. The biggest A-ha moment I had over the last 9 months is this: I get drunk at the bar. I realize this; I know this; I own this. Otherwise, I keep myself in control and that is  empowering.

From here, I am going to drop of important life lessons I pick up.
bye

A New Motivation

Last summer, I visited a friend and while picking through his DVD collection I happened upon something interesting. It was an Oprah's Aha! Moments DVDs. I think it was a collection to help celebrate the 20th anniversary. Curious, I asked my friend about it. He was shocked and in disbelief that I didn't know about these inspirational, life changing moments so he put in the DVD and we sat down...tissue box in hand. About an hour later, I had a new perspective and it wasn't until yesterday that I had my first Aha Moment.

Since mid-July I have been working on self-forgiveness. I prepared a mantra for myself and used it to help me start meditating. For 10 minutes, I would repeat the following: "Today, I forgive myself. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am smart. This is my life and I love it." My anxiety improved for the first few weeks. I felt empowered and it felt good, but I didn't stick with the meditation. I guess I forgot to dedicate time. Maybe it didn't work. Or maybe, it allowed enough little sunlight into a dark corner in my brain so I could find my own Aha moment. And so it began...

I don't like cleaning. I hate it. But I like clean things. I love them!

My bathtub was dirty and it had been driving me crazy. There was so much soap scum and mildew that the white tub was turning black and slimy. It's gross. Being too cheap to buy regular cleaning chemicals at Target, I decided to hit Big Lots! I found a great selection of cleaning products and loaded a bunch of them into my cart. With prices 50% off normal retail, I loaded up! Armed with my cleaning supplies, and savings, I decided to take a stroll around the store.

On my walk, I passed the Halloween section, BBQ & grilling department, and Back to School. I got excited as I imagined loading up my cart with lawn decorations, a new grill & Vikings grilling accessories, or fancy new pens. But reality hit when I remembered I don't have any money. It took the bounce out of my step just as I got to the garden section. I picked up a black and red flower pot and looked at the price tag. $9. I put it down and silently disagreed with the price. It's too expensive.

All I think about it how awesome my life could be if I had more money to be able to do things I love. If I could just have an extra $9 to buy a pot and plant something in it. Something that says I am capable of surrounding myself with beauty. Something that doesn't make my apartment feel so empty. I got into little swirl until it hit me.

I realized I spend a lot of time thinking. And I spend a lot of time drinking alcohol. I don't spend enough time DOING. I have been thinking about getting out of debt. And I am thinking about drinking less. The truth is, I'm usually thinking about getting out of debt while I'm drinking. This is my definition of a perfect waste of time. So, it's time to start taking action. Maybe I will realize that when I am not actually thinking about getting out of debt, I am making more progress and I am happier and more beautiful.

Beauty is my new motivation.

poco sostenuto

This morning, I am enjoying a life pace I can handle. Something comfortable, and set by my own state of being and comprehension of obligations around me. It feels good. Actually, it doesn't feel like anything. Rather than anxious, I'm calm. Instead of playing the same old introspective thought playlist and sinking into my morning routine, I'm feeling expressive. I'm smiling because I successfully made an omelette!

Maybe this is what it feels like to be in the moment - to be present. Not looking back and not speeding forward. I'm in neutral, coasting, trying to maximize fuel because there are atill a lot of miles ahead of me today, this week, this month, this year, this decade, this life.

I am Afraid

Why is there such a difference between things that are raw and any other form. Food? Emotions? Sex? Music? Drugs? Love?

Perhaps the purest form allows a type of unobstructed connection, through which you get an experience - exactly as it's created. What preparation is actually required for the food needed to sustain life - or to process your spectrum of emotions - or touch the tender flesh of another person with your own tenderness - or find a river based on the percussive beats of the water crashing against its shores - or unlock the fantasy of our mind through nature's creative sense of humor - or turn your life upside down for the chance to share love with another person?

I prepare and plan because I am afraid. I am afraid of unintended consequences. I am afraid of being hungry. Or getting sick. I am afraid of not being able to manage my feelings. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of silence and I am afraid of surrendering control over my body. I am afraid of someone loving me before I love them. Luckily, over the past year, I have learned that I am not alone in these feelings. I have also learned these feelings are not new.

I found this image yesterday and I started applying it to a few every day things in my life. Let's see what sticks.