A New Motivation

Last summer, I visited a friend and while picking through his DVD collection I happened upon something interesting. It was an Oprah's Aha! Moments DVDs. I think it was a collection to help celebrate the 20th anniversary. Curious, I asked my friend about it. He was shocked and in disbelief that I didn't know about these inspirational, life changing moments so he put in the DVD and we sat down...tissue box in hand. About an hour later, I had a new perspective and it wasn't until yesterday that I had my first Aha Moment.

Since mid-July I have been working on self-forgiveness. I prepared a mantra for myself and used it to help me start meditating. For 10 minutes, I would repeat the following: "Today, I forgive myself. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am smart. This is my life and I love it." My anxiety improved for the first few weeks. I felt empowered and it felt good, but I didn't stick with the meditation. I guess I forgot to dedicate time. Maybe it didn't work. Or maybe, it allowed enough little sunlight into a dark corner in my brain so I could find my own Aha moment. And so it began...

I don't like cleaning. I hate it. But I like clean things. I love them!

My bathtub was dirty and it had been driving me crazy. There was so much soap scum and mildew that the white tub was turning black and slimy. It's gross. Being too cheap to buy regular cleaning chemicals at Target, I decided to hit Big Lots! I found a great selection of cleaning products and loaded a bunch of them into my cart. With prices 50% off normal retail, I loaded up! Armed with my cleaning supplies, and savings, I decided to take a stroll around the store.

On my walk, I passed the Halloween section, BBQ & grilling department, and Back to School. I got excited as I imagined loading up my cart with lawn decorations, a new grill & Vikings grilling accessories, or fancy new pens. But reality hit when I remembered I don't have any money. It took the bounce out of my step just as I got to the garden section. I picked up a black and red flower pot and looked at the price tag. $9. I put it down and silently disagreed with the price. It's too expensive.

All I think about it how awesome my life could be if I had more money to be able to do things I love. If I could just have an extra $9 to buy a pot and plant something in it. Something that says I am capable of surrounding myself with beauty. Something that doesn't make my apartment feel so empty. I got into little swirl until it hit me.

I realized I spend a lot of time thinking. And I spend a lot of time drinking alcohol. I don't spend enough time DOING. I have been thinking about getting out of debt. And I am thinking about drinking less. The truth is, I'm usually thinking about getting out of debt while I'm drinking. This is my definition of a perfect waste of time. So, it's time to start taking action. Maybe I will realize that when I am not actually thinking about getting out of debt, I am making more progress and I am happier and more beautiful.

Beauty is my new motivation.

poco sostenuto

This morning, I am enjoying a life pace I can handle. Something comfortable, and set by my own state of being and comprehension of obligations around me. It feels good. Actually, it doesn't feel like anything. Rather than anxious, I'm calm. Instead of playing the same old introspective thought playlist and sinking into my morning routine, I'm feeling expressive. I'm smiling because I successfully made an omelette!

Maybe this is what it feels like to be in the moment - to be present. Not looking back and not speeding forward. I'm in neutral, coasting, trying to maximize fuel because there are atill a lot of miles ahead of me today, this week, this month, this year, this decade, this life.

I am Afraid

Why is there such a difference between things that are raw and any other form. Food? Emotions? Sex? Music? Drugs? Love?

Perhaps the purest form allows a type of unobstructed connection, through which you get an experience - exactly as it's created. What preparation is actually required for the food needed to sustain life - or to process your spectrum of emotions - or touch the tender flesh of another person with your own tenderness - or find a river based on the percussive beats of the water crashing against its shores - or unlock the fantasy of our mind through nature's creative sense of humor - or turn your life upside down for the chance to share love with another person?

I prepare and plan because I am afraid. I am afraid of unintended consequences. I am afraid of being hungry. Or getting sick. I am afraid of not being able to manage my feelings. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of silence and I am afraid of surrendering control over my body. I am afraid of someone loving me before I love them. Luckily, over the past year, I have learned that I am not alone in these feelings. I have also learned these feelings are not new.

I found this image yesterday and I started applying it to a few every day things in my life. Let's see what sticks.

This Starting Line

Almost a year has passed since I decided to make a few life changes. Looking back, I'm still surprised at what's happened. I'm proud of myself for the challenges I've overcome. But I'm secretly sad about how painful this change has been. I'm going to journal again. They won't be long entries, just little highlights to help me answer the old question: hey, what's new?